100 DAYS!

These last couple of days had me crying, tired, full of questions and worrying about my condition.

The crying day was all day.  Nothing could stop it.  Why me, why now, when will I not have a bald head, I just don't feel well, don't believe this is happening, what are those minute cancer cells doing in my blood stream, will this neuropathy ease up some???  Just bringing me down.  Glad Bill is understanding and tries to calm me down.  Worked for a bit and then the tears would flow again later.

Next day I was a bit better but the question of what are those minute cancer cell doing in my blood stream still haunted me.  I know they are going to be there forever but I need to know what they are doing and when and if they will grow and take over my plasm cells again.  This is something I need to get answers about from my doctors and then learn to live with it (just not able to do that now).  I will soon be put on my maintenance drug.  Let's pray that this very low dose will not give me a reaction.

The risk for complications from my transplant is highest during the first 100 days after the transplant.  Infections being the biggest complication.  So this makes me worry and makes me upset. I couldn't attend my granddaughter's play at school, we are constantly washing our hands, washing fruit before it's cut (yes, even wash the outside of bananas), wearing my mask when we feel it's necessary, haven't been at Kristi and Matt's since before the transplant, not able to visit my mom at the assisted living place, haven't had much company because I wear out too fast or they have a cold, don't do much shopping other than the grocery store because I get tired quickly.  All this being said, I need to realize that it's not even 3 months since the transplant.  I have to realize I have months to go before my system is normal again.  Months to go to feel good.  Months to go to have some normality again.  Months to go to build up my strength.

No, I will never be the same Kathy that I was before my diagnosis.  I see things differently now.  I will have the constant worry when I feel an ache in my back or leg etc if it's starting again.  The constant worry what's going on with my disease.  But hopefully, I will soon be able to live with that worry in a much more healthy way.  I have come quite a way since my transplant but know I have a way to go.  Each and every day is a new day.  A new day to build up my strength more and more.  A new day to be thankful for another new day.

Quote:

Strength grows in the moments when you think you can't go on but you keep going anyway!