Day one!

When I had my last appointment with Dr. Sarriera, Abbey his RN mentioned the brownish skin on my neck hasn't disappeared yet.  I thinking what?  She laughed and asked me if I hadn't noticed it.  I had noticed my skin on my neck looked a little rugged but not that it was brownish looking.  She told us that it was from the high dose chemo I received before the transplant.  It should disappear.  I have noticed it has gotten darker.  Even Sasha asked me what happened to my neck.  Nothing major but another thing this awful "cancer" caused!

You learn to live with a lot of feelings when you are in the "cancer" world.  Like feeling sick to your stomach, tired, weepy, sluggish, light headed, moody, anxious, scared, worried, unattractive and defeated.  Each of these feelings pass through my mind through out my day.  Some of them linger and I fight to not let them take over.  Most days I win but some days I don't.  You get very good at suppressing these feelings as you get stronger each day.  You suppress them so others don't see them but mostly because you want to be normal again.  Want back some of the life you were living before "cancer" picked up your world and threw it to the wind.  Want to walk outside without a hat on to cover your bald head.  Want to not worry if a new ache is caused by your cancer.  Want to get up in the morning and not have your first thought be - I have cancer.  All these feelings and wants are my daily life.  All these feelings and wants are things I am working on to be a better me and win my battle.  Yes, I may have to say I HAVE cancer and not I HAD cancer but I one day hope I can say that with a big smile on my face and not leave the ache in my heart come out.

So Thursday with be my day one of the desensitization program.  I will take my 2.5 mg Revlimid chemo pill.  This will be the only one I will take for a week.  See Dr. Sarriera on Wednesday the 15th and go from there. No rash or any other side effects, will take another Revlimid the 16th.  Then see him again and continue on and on.  So lets hope and pray this will work for me.

Have had Sasha and Ellie since last Saturday.  What awesome girls they are.  We have enjoyed having them with us. This is the first we felt I would be able to have them stay several days.  I think it went well.  Will have to see what the girls tell their parents once they get home.  ;)

Quote:

Everyone wants happiness.  No one wants pain.  But you can't have a rainbow without a little rain.