Too much.

Appointment with Dr. Sarriera went as we expected (Friday, June 2nd).  Sit on the chair
Mrs. Snowberger, it's more comfortable was the start of our conversation.  Next was - well you know the results of your biopsy.  Yes, was told it was consistent with Myeloma, which means it's cancer, right?  Right.  So this is what we are going to do.  X-rays of the skull to be taken today (done), Pet Scan to be scheduled within a week (insurance you know), bone marrow biopsy.  Need a sedative for the Pet Scan please.  Need to be sedated for the bone marrow biopsy please.  X-ray, no problem.  I can handle that.  Will need to make an appointment (scheduled for June 9th) with radiation oncology for a consultation.  Will be Dr. Nanda, like him the best. This was our conversation at first.  Then we discussed the whats, whys and wheres.

My cancer has come back and it's only been 6 month ago that I had my transplant.  Wait, why?  I know I have posted and said over and over that Dr. Sarriera said Multiple Myeloma can appear again in 1 day, 2 weeks, 3 months, 3 years, 20 years.  But did I really believe that?  Maybe not.  Felt pretty good since all my labs were good.  However, Dr. Sarriera said this cancer, another part of Myeloma, is called plasmacytoma.  This cancer was found in my soft tissue and not in my bones.  Not all of the cancer was removed with the lump because the skull is a very sensitive area to do surgery on.
Dr. Sarriera said this plasmacytoma cancer responds well to radiation.  I asked him if this was something that I could have prevented if I had been able to be on a maintenance program sooner.  No was his answer.  This is a very aggressive cancer.  He, too, was a little surprised that it was starting over again so soon after the transplant and also because of my good labs.  So nothing he would have done could have prevented this from happening.  Nothing I could have done would have prevented this from happening.  This was not something that Dr. Sarriera could have predicted would have happened so soon.  He said he wants the Pet Scan (full body) to make sure there isn't any other cancer any where else.  And he wants it within a week.  Don't forget my sedation pill.  Then the bone marrow biopsy could be scheduled Wednesdays or Fridays.  Are you sedating me?  No.  Need to go to the hospital side for that.  So that's where that will be then!!  That was a very painful procedure.  They can numb the area where they insert the needle but can't numb the bone they drill into or numb the actual removal of bone marrow through the bone.  So, no thanks; hospital side it is with sedation.  X-rays done.  Piece of cake except it was so friggen cold.

Didn't get this finished last night.  Kept falling asleep.

(Saturday, June 3rd)  Not sure how much radiation I will need but Dr. Sarriera explained it would be localized to the area of my head where the new cancer has attacked.  As long as the Pet Scan doesn't show any other areas of attack, the radiation will only be targeted there.  As long as the bone marrow biopsy comes back free of cancer, the radiation will only be targeted there.  And this cancer responds well to radiation.  And this cancer responds well to radiation.  And did I hear Dr. Sarriera say, this cancer responds well to radiation?

We then discussed the method of treatment once I am done with radiation.  There are two other chemo drugs that he wants to try, along with Dex (steroids), as my maintenance plan.  This will be started shortly after my radiation treatments.  Dr. Sarriera was very upbeat about my treatments.  He was very sincere about my plan and very sincere about my future.  We reviewed everything again to make sure we were on the same page.  Then he left.  Bill and I once again just sat there a minute in disbelief; sort of like we did almost a year ago when I was first officially diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma.  Multiple Myeloma - what is that???  It's what - treatable but not curable?

Well, we know what Multiple Myeloma is.  We know that it's treatable but not curable.  We know it's a very ugly cancer that is very hard to understand.  We know it can come back once you are somewhat free of it.  We know it, we know it, we know it.

Right now I am not saying that I am ready to fight again.  Right now I am not saying I am giving up.  Right now I am not saying much.  Just need to let this all sink in and prepare for what's to come with Bill by my side.  Just too much to comprehend right now.  Just too much.

Quote:

Even when you know what's coming, you are never prepared for how it going to feel.